the-dark-side-of-the-psyche

Sometimes, not always but sometimes, I feel like I have hammered out all the text there is to hammer out in terms of self-corresponding/cathartic/written therapy, and that I am “cured” of my ills and issues. But this is false, of course. Because I will always have small mental scars (even if fading through time), and I will always have *new* issues pop up over time. The important thing is; the **scars** are not **scabs**, and they do not re-open to a bleeding wound of psychological trauma and terror. I have “been there” before, in terms of a psyche that was devoid of all rational sanity and I was once the poster child for an early-20’s suicide. Being what amounted to a walking/talking bastion of self loathing and fear of/from the outside world, I am a completely different person now than I was then. At times, I was a full-time bed-ridden depressive who never took care of himself, and was a borderline invalid. **How** I made it through those times (2004-2007, roughly) I will never know.nnBut I did, and I am thankful.nnBut, when you see, and indeed occupy, the “dark side of the psyche” (as I will refer to it as), it’s like the scales falling from your eyes and seeing/feeling/experiencing things that cannot be undone, unwitnessed. Sort of like the remnants (in little bits and blobs) of the time I took green gel tabs (which some said was LSD – me and my friends thought it was something much different), and we sincerely believed we had entered into a dimension of Hell. Something like what the “burning” must be like when one (if they believe in such) experience if they enter the underworld. Psychedelic hallucinatory patterns galore, ESP (Extra Sensory Perception, or, mind-reading) of only the *worst* and *ugliest* parts of other people’s subconscious, horrifying paranoia, a sense of guilt-filled punishment. A true 24 hours of incredible doom that can’t be captured in words or examples. Just an emergence from it, back to “Real Life(TM)” where you (I) can (do) warn others to *never* tread such dangerous grounds.nnThings weren’t the same for a while after that. But it is nearly nothing compared to the cryptic brainwashing that occurred (and still occurs with some) when I was enrolled in the U.S Army. I experienced nothing different than what *any* Private in the military experiences when they go through Basic Combat Training, but, having come from a background of a fractured mind and broken soul, and *looking* for something “more”, something “better” in military service, and finding nothing but scared kids (like me at the time) just being dropped into a sloshpit of survival – it makes one “thumb their nose” at the very line of service they are in. And I dissented from *most* activities towards the end of my (brief) time in the service. But, what the service did (effectively) was put me on a course of either legitimately **facing my psychological demons**, or letting them defeat me. And when I had the experiences like that of “the dark side of the psyche” to reckon with, going back and *revisiting* that, and trying to make heads or tails of the insanity that occurred that night was not only an exercise in futility, but a guaranteed excursion into an area of my life which I thought the door had been slammed shut, never to be revisited ever again. nnAnd, in the end, did I “make it out”? Recover? Rejuvenate and “respawn”? Well, yes. Basically I did. I don’t experience (or even recall) some of the issues I went through in those years. Because the human brain is incredibly resilient, and tend to “put away” parts of the mind (thoughts) that do not serve it well in life. So, I recuperated, changed, got better – *feel* better, *do* better, and *think* in a better way. nnAnd I am lucky, and perhaps the exception to the rulennBack laternn

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