sometimes-all-there-is-left-is-to-just-not-care

Different than “giving zero fxxxs”, I mean genuinely not caring about what comes of what – from the get go. With my upbringing, my “life and times”, my way of seeing the world and being in the world – there comes a point when there is absolutely nothing left to do but accept that self-sabotage, pessimism, and misanthropic tendencies just sort of “win out”. Keeping an “open heart and open mind” just won’t cut it anymore. Maintaining hope becomes a futile burden of colossal proportions, and with no results, no carrot, no payoff – it becomes a question of not **if** but **when** it’s time to throw in the towel with self-propelled motivation to do/be/get better.nnTo take the long, hard journey to a/the bottom – see what *hitting* rock bottom may feel like (again), and just sort of staying there a while, in a way. Because downward spirals, and vicious cycles, are almost always more prevalent (with me) than upward mobility and self-determination.nnIn short; it’s easier to just stay, or *be*, where I am at and simply to **not care** than it is to try for or even want better for myself when all the signs and signals surrounding me all point to the same thing: I’ve been fxxxing stagnant for a decade.nnIt’s a grim decision to make, and a wholly negative one, indeed – I recognize this. But it doesn’t mean it’s “the end”, or that I am depressed, or that I have some tendencies I shouldn’t be having – no, what I mean by “hitting rock bottom” is a journey of personal turmoil, yet discovery, difficulties yet epiphanies, downtrodden life choices (at times), but philosophical or even *theological* insights and revelations. To discover one’s self, to change and **reset** one’s life, to see where I stand, what I am, etc.nnAnd I’ll probably write about it along the way