some-words-which-i-cannot-exactly-put-into-words

Hard to title this blog post, because I am not sure where it will go. I have a *general idea* of what I want to say, but the idea/concept, or whatever, is not fully realized in my head. Sorta.nnI was sitting in my easy chair, and decided to make a fourth cup of coffee for the day. And just before that, I thought of social media, my use of it, and eventually quitting the last two services I used (Instagram and Twitter) in late-2019. Sort of how on August 30 (31?) 2019, I knew, absolutely, wholesale, without a doubt, that no matter what I did from that point forward, that I would NOT like, have fun with, take joy in, find amusement from, or have any moment of happiness if I used either Instagram or Twitter ever again. The services had drained their value from my life.nnSo, I went ahead and deleted my Instagram account, and the app. Even launching the service to do THAT was an exhaustive thing, because I had been trying to NOT feel that level of mental extension (the mental extension of having to even *see* the app/website, itself) for some time. And I *intended* to delete my Twitter account + app that night, too – but I was simply too tired. So I went to bed and deleted it the first thing in the morning the next day (September 1, 2019).nnThat morning, I wasn’t sure what the fxxx. I knew things could/would change, but I had absolutely no idea **how** (and didn’t anticipate **how much**) things would change. Sort of like looking towards a looong bridge, and having nowhere to go either to the left of me, or the right of me, and having a dead end behind me. Yet, the bridge *was* ahead of me, so I went. But, the bridge (again) was *very* long – so it was sort of a “time heals all wounds” type of scenario, but rarely do I get to a position of both being IN the moment where I can “see” the length of time in front of me, and yet have to experience every moment OF that time going forward. Bizarre.nnSo, things changed. That afternoon alone, boredom struck so hard that I went to Cliff Cave Park and hiked one of their primitive trails. And that helped clear my head. And then for 3-6 weeks, time dragged *onnnn*. I wasn’t sure exactly how to conduct myself, or “how to be” without some short-sighted “cure” to momentary boredom. nnI had no interests left. No hobbies. No personal projects. No authentic developed skillset. Just me and my time to figure out what to do WITH the time I had. And ultimately, the core “mindset”, or “state of mind” of this prolonged boredom didn’t really change – I just sort of figured out ways (many ways) of sort of “living with it”. Like the idea/act of “having a solution” to any/all boredom was never meant to be. A beast (boredom) that was *meant* to be tamed. Not proactively fought against.nnAfter a few months, things came along. I said “fxxx it” and compiled a bunch of blog posts and started a zine. Just to pass time, to have *something* to be proud of. I also started blogging more. A LOT more (which was already quite frequently). The hikes also continued. My highest weight (ever) was in late-2019 at 244 pounds – now (with continued hikes/walks, and better diet) I am at 199 pounds. Not bad! :)nnIn March or April of 2020, I decided I would *finally* pick up web development. Not like passive “web design” (though I am certainly not belittling that profession), but actually figuring out the in’s/out’s of managing my own VPS, picking up a bit of PHP and MySQL, and starting my own web application (which was called **Thanx.cc**, which is now gone, but it was a *terrific* starter project, and I learned a lot).nnThings progressed from there, mentally. I realized that the “re-routing” of my habits, the shift in life’s activities, and the alteration of my *perception* of the world (and myself), was LESS about “having new software” for my brain (to put it in a very nerdy way), but MORE about “having an entirely new OS, altogether”. My mind didn’t just change about the world, about the Internet, and the people in the world, and the people on the Internet, but my mind changed to the point where my **way of thinking about HOW I was thinking** changed, completely. nnSo, the long and short of it, I am *damn* glad I put socials behind me. As time continues to go forward, I realize (sometimes more and more) just how toxic and ugly they were. And perhaps that part of my life will one day be lost to memory, as well. I hope.nnnn

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