some-sunset-coffee

Got water going for coffee, chompin’ on nicotine gum, trying to decide what to do with my night. It’s Thursday night, but the day of the week makes little difference on what I am doing with my evenings. Day of the week usually has a bigger impact on what I do during the day. nnNothing too mythical planned in terms of web dev for the evening. There is stuff I need to figure out, no clue if I will figure it *all* out in one night, but when I DO settle down to get it all hammered out, it will all come together, I am sure. nnAgain, it usually revolves around a question of motivation. Am I *motivated* to write the code, or do research, or find solutions to the thing I am making/building? Sometimes, it is an unequivocal “YES”, other times, it is “…meh”. So anyone who keeps up with this blog for a sense of dev inspiration will likely not find it here.nnAnd I have never been a good person to look to for inspiration, on anything, online *or* offline. Not saying this to be “down” on myself, it’s true – I barely want to do anything most of the time, and my life/hobbies probably resemble more of that of an oldschool stay-at-home tech geek. Someone who happens to have a nice computer at home and fools with it sometimes, finds videos to watch, edits text, runs some code here and there, etc. nnI know one thing, keeping a running log of day-to-day activities when those activities are slim is a task within itself, haha. One thing I have gotten “good” at in the past 10+ years is, essentially, *not caring* what I do. I sincerely doubt it is a question of personal motivation or ambition (or the disintegration of either or both of those things over time) – I think the world may have changed around me (in the sense that, *some* things in this world work in my favor (or “are happening *for* me”), and other things are working in an “off” manner (or, “are happening *to* me”)). It boils down to the optimistic vs pessimist views of life: is the glass half full or half empty? Are the world and it’s events happening FOR you or TO you? Do you assume the worse or hope for the best?nnI can say one thing, though (not that I get hung up on it a whole lot these days) – I certainly pushed myself too hard back in my early-20s, and that **deep** burnout still resonates to this day. I got too caught up in wanting to be **great** or “**the best**”, and it was really just an undermining of my development in the form of parental expectations, when there was never any groundwork, psychological makeup, or any type of genuinely moral upbringing to be in the position to BE great, or admirable, or to “set an example”. It was like the second half of my teenage years were stacked series of events to blow smoke up my ass on “how much I could achieve”, with little consideration for consequence or recourse if the “big gamble” (that is, the gamble of being not just the best that I could be, but in fact THE best) didn’t pay off.nnAnd of course, shell games and bluffs never win in the long term nor short term – they always backfire, blow up in the face of the gamer/bluffer. In terms of my youth, I was both gambler and the chips.nnSo that’s what I have to say for now. Nothing incredible, nothing terrible, either. Back later.

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jamie@example.com
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