There was a popular song in the 90s called "Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand" (by The Verve?), and I always get the song confused with the song Bittersweet Symphony (also by The Verve?). I just remember a guy walking down the sidewalk in a black leather jacket and all kinds of weird stuff going on around him.

Anyway, I was reading a weird blog earlier, from the person who maintains the "Go Blog" for Golang, and there was some goofy stuff on there. What was weirder was the link I followed to another blog that showed some dude with, like, half a dozen retro PCs connected in a room in his house, and he was BBS'ing on multiple machines, and I was thinking "people still do this stuff!". Kinda cool, definitely weird, but amusing, nonetheless.

I love retro tech, though. I doubt I, personally, would ever jump into the hobby, myself, but it is something I keep an eye on (for whatever reason).

I am feeling kinda/sorta sick with tooth pain, but not the acute, bad, intolerable Hell pain I experienced the other night - just tiny spasms that go through my jaw, because I am pretty sure the tooth in question has an infected root, and I am going to have to take antibiotics before I get the thing pulled. Or get them pulled, as there are two (painful) teeth that are chipped. Definitely sucks.

But, I am getting through. And to be honest, it is not that interesting of a night to begin with, anyway, so I do not feel like I should have energy but am coming up short. Instead, I feel like my mood/energy levels are on-par with the day that was, and the night that is. It was mostly overcast today, but the sun shined through for part of the day. Freezing cold, ALL day long. I sort of felt ho-hum through a lot of the day, and I feel the same for this eve.

purpose, meaning, motivation

I feel that in life one should have a sense of purpose. Even if that sense of purpose is to simply continue living with happiness and enthusiasm (which I certainly try to do). But, if one were to ask me "where do you see yourself in 2, 5, or 10 years", I would be answer-less. I would probably be living in a different apartment. I would probably have written a couple million more words via blog/journal by that time (even if it were only two years down the line). I probably would have expanded my overall knowledge of computer science a fair deal more. More books would have been read, more events would have been attended, more weight would have been lost, etc. And that is just what it is - life.

Even if I had a house full of kids, and were married, and pets, and goldfish, I would still be the same person, on the same "track" in life (doing what I like, kind of "getting good" at some things, letting other things go and forgetting about them, and on and on). Of course, if I did have a spouse and kids and all the rest, I would in all likelihood be six feet underground, because the stress and drama of creating/raising a family would drive me absolutely 100% over the edge. Most of my friends that I have met in adulthood are this same way (in fact, many either have vascectomies or have adopted a transgender lifestyle). To be ambiguously kid-less (and unmarried) by choice is one of the best positions I could have in the world. There was a time (probably around age 19 to 22) where I just kind of "figured" I would attempt a "traditional" lifestyle: get married, have a kid (or more than one), get a regular house, work in some writing gig (or full-time job - not a "gig" type of thing), and just DO that, for S&G's. But I also always felt it was a totally passive, non-essential (and not very inticing) option for me. Like I could always "take it or leave it". Then, upon adopting a dog (in 2010) at the age of 26, I basically knew with all my heart that I HAD made a terrible mistake. It was a good dog, and I appreciated his company for ~4 years (until late 2013), but it was a misguided decision to adopt a dog. In fact, it would be (and is) a terrible idea for me to have any type of "full-time" status with another life I am responsible for (be it human, dog, goldfish, or cacti). I essentially just don't want the hassle. And it is definitely (seemingly) a self-centered and solitary way of doing things, but it is all I will ever know, and all I ever care to know.

So, in summary, I think that my definition of "purpose, meaning, and motivation" differs a deal from others. It doesn't differ a great deal (there are only so many ways to "pet a cat" (avoiding using animal cruelty terminology here)), but the concept of putting the weight of the world on my shoulders in an attempt to "be full", is just not a proposition I would NOT be willing to take on.

At least that is how I see it