self-corresponding-the-healing-process

I sat here and listened to more music, and sort of sipped soda and zoned out, thinking to myself of my past, where I’ve been, what happened in my life. And I come to the focus point of 2004-2005, when I was a completely inconsolable wreck of a human. Distraught beyond words, self loathing, world hating, on the verge of ending my existence, but *keeping* myself alive as a form of never-ending punishment. A borderline invalid. Hell, itself, would have been a reprieve.nnAnd I somehow try to ignore (as that is all there is left to do at this point – ignore what happened) the attitudes of those around me. Namely, my mother, father, and sister “D”. Sister “C” kept a fair distance at that time, but saw what was occurring. The three aforementioned people bare witness to my dissent on a daily basis, and lifted not one finger to intervene in my demise. They had written me off, as I had been lost to psychotic oblivion and never to return. And, it’s why I stopped communicating with them for five+ years in the following years (after I had started a long and arduous recovery process), because I *knew* that they would pour acidic piss on any genuine recovery effort. nnIt also accounts why I have zero(0) empathy towards any of their emotions or desires in the world to this day. They are the emptiness of nothing. They may have “improved” to a fraction of a degree over a decade, but there is truly no remorse for their souls. Anti-angels.nnBut that’s just how I saw things. And still do, to a certain extent. People, or, *a* person, can go through tumultuous pain and suffering in their life, but if someone *else* comes across those who suffer, and those people do not *react* in a “human” way, and presuppose that those who suffer are in fact in a position of *deserving* that suffering, then the entirety of the lot – sufferer and people who enable such agony – all fit the bill of damnation.nnnn