The neighbors (for once) are not causing a racket every five minutes. I can sit with the central fan running, and the door open, and not hear noises, and that is a welcome respite that I need.

Sometimes, when writing, I will not have an immediate and "useful" thing to write about, and when I am zoning out and trying to make up the words I want to say, I sometimes think: "am I NOT having thought right now?" Like, if I had a train of thought to correspond, I would just write them, but then I come to the conclusion that I am sort of in a state of being "aware that I am not thinking". It's a strange sensation.

I used to take comfort in thinking a lot. I considered myself an intellectual disciplinarian (word?), and was concise and astute with how I spent my day (writing complex and overly-thought out blog entries), and tried to make the most of the congested and "full" brain I always had buzzing in my skull.

Of course that was all for nothing, and I would have just been better off cutting myself some slack, and calming down, and not putting so much time/effort into text entries or trains of thought that went basically nowhere, enlightened no one, and improved my life very little.

on marginalization

I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I feel (in fact, I am sure I am) marginalized in life/society. Sort of a person who fell square and even with the statistical standpoint of: high school drop out, tumultuous home life in youth, turned to drugs/alcohol, suffered through consequences from having done so, falls into a category of a low-income household, struggles, gets by, moment-to-moment.

I'm not necessarily "complaining" about this (as I am sure none of this will change in my time), but it does change the way one thinks in their life, and how they see the world. In a drastic way. Less optimism, more "accepted" and "without question" cynicism, perverse belief system, and even a slight misanthropic attitude towards humans.

I am not sure how anyone gets through a life like this on an ongoing basis, but I guess the fact that I am alive and continue to do exactly that, IS the answer to that very question.

Just taking note