to discern things of myself, that were otherwise obscured

I used to think a lot about myself. Not think a lot of myself, just about myself. I had several toxic relationships in my life simultaneously (a friend, "T" (who later transitioned to "G"), and two family relatives) - all of them incredibly narcissistic in nature - they were the center of their own world(s).

I felt caught up in the mix of it all, and when their company was around, I felt like their noxious influence, their attitudes about themselves, would do nothing more than rub off on me. Like being in the presence of garbage truck, emptying it's contents for all within spitting distance to see and witness, and I always came away feeling dirtier and "less of myself" from having been there - especially on such a one-by-one personal level.

So my way of (self) thinking was obscured for a while. Asking the wrong questions about the wrong problems, and always getting the wrong answers. By moving on, and separating myself from these relationships, I took not only a step back, but just started to walk the other way altogether. And as life changed (socially, and mentally), I came to formulate news ways of thinking about things (and about myself).

I mentioned how when I left social media in late-2019, I not only "experienced new 'mental software'", but that my entire "mental OS" had changed. Thinking about how I thought of things, meta cognition, being able to allow myself to scrutinize elements of life with total ambivalence, and deliberate on things that "can't be answered right then" - putting stuff in life through their own mental paces, to let the flow of thinking draw it's own conclusion.

Sobriety and general self-care, optimism, and "accepted neutrality" of the world I'm in (that we are ALL in) has kept me going for some time, and I plan on continuing to do so for quite some time longer :)

Hope this entry finds you all well.

until later...

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