one-last-mug-of-instant-coffee-to-bury-the-most-boring-five-years-of-my-life

Water is heating. I have two scoops of Schnucks instant in the enamel coffee mug. Everything is ready to go. The backpack is 100% packed. Nothing will be added nor subtracted. nnI am saying sianara to Telegraph Crossing Apartments. And in case anyone ever wondered what the name of this apartment complex is called, that’s it – Telegraph Crossing. And it was a cluster fxxx from Day 1. nnI moved in quickly. To escape Pevely Pointe Apartments in Pevely, Missouri. Two weeks notice. Everything was going downhill there. I got the apartment here and was able to move in within a week and a half. I had nearly NO stuff. I slept on a camping sleeping pad on the floor. I owed $$$ to my parents. I owed money to payday loan places. And I couldn’t move what little furniture I had from the old place to here – *that’s* how fast it was. nnThey didn’t have time to refurbish the warped floor in the apartment unit, so everything creeked and cracked, and I almost sprained my ankle on a few occasions going from room to room. The appliances were old. Just worn out units from the 80s. The balcony had a small plant of some kind growing from one of the cracks in the wood. Everything sucked. nnAnd then there was the “community”. There was none. Retired alcoholics (people who were retired, but we’re STILL alcoholics), 20-something heroin addicts that would OD and then be evicted, and every so often there was an apartment with an elderly lady with four dogs and an overly decorated balcony that was just fine with being nothing in her little studio cell. Never going anywhere. nnBut the boredom. The fxxxing boredom. In late-2017, I sat up all night and waited for first dawn so I could catch a cab to STL and get drunk and just “be there” a while, and it was driven primarily from sheer boredom and environmental loathing. I drank on/off since then (usually once or so a month) because A) the boredom continued, and B) I had a toxic relationship with my folks. But, I DO take 100% responsibility for continually slipping up. nnTime moved on. Things changed. I got scant amounts of furniture over time. Loans got paid off. I made progress in therapy (from both a counselor AND writing here on TMO every single day). I moved to a difference apartment unit in the complex towards the start of COVID, because it had new appliances and less warped floors. But any moment of non-boredom (AKA any time I had time to *think*) was preoccupied with screeching, obnoxious neighbors, barking dogs, other neighbors talking loudly from their balcony, because they were anebriated mid-day – everything a nuisance and a distraction. nnIt’s a wonder I managed to learn web development during the past 1.5 years. nnOther events happened during my time here, too. I got COVID (initial COVID-19 *and* the Delta Variant within a year of each other, even though I am double-vaxxed). My dad passed away. I reached my maximum weight I’ve ever been at (244), and then decided to NOT be a piece of sxxx anymore and start walking, eating healthy, and brought that number down to 199 (as of now, still some weight to lose). I also quit social media in late-2019 (a thing I struggled with since 2009). That is a thing I am *still* reeling from, getting my head around (oddly enough). nnSo finally, the fuse blew. The isolation, and isolation fears (illogical thoughts of danger in/of the world), the disdain for society (*from* isolation) – it all compounded and I KNEW I couldn’t go on like this. So, about two months ago (maybe 1.5 months) I decided I would bail from Telegraph Crossing. I made plans/arrangements to go to Oregon (any beach town), and landed on Florence, OR. It is 60 miles from Eugene, OR. And that is where my Amtrak will be heading at 4:30 this morning (stopping in Chicago + Portland beforehand), and I will be on it. nnI await the cab at 2:30 this morning (45 mins away) and then I’ll be off. Never looking back in the direction of Missouri. nnThanks for having coffee ☕ with me during the five+ years of strain and hardship as I hammered text through it all. nnI will continue with the posts, and continue them on TMO.name, as well. nnMore to come. nn<3

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