on-through-tuesday-night

8:10 PM, I am sitting here with a Lucky Strike burning, and the floor fan running, and the AC turned on, and filling the apartment with a fairly strong cool breeze.nnThe day was nice, and tomorrow will be nice, as well. And now, I have no plans for tomorrow, because the doc appt got cancelled, so I will just play it by ear in terms of daily activities. Of course I am not expecting shit for shoehorns to pan out, because tomorrow, like everyday, is more or less a longwinded series of time killers and deliberate distractions to pull my attention away from the fact that I have little to no life purpose.nnAnd I am not saying “having stuff to do”, what I mean is a consecutive, honest, genuine, soul-fulfilling purpose *in* life. Whether I try to start to design a website, or put together an issue of a zine, or hammer out a dozen blog posts – it all amounts to medium-to-low productive output to make time go by in a less painful way, when the bigger picture reflects that I *actually* don’t have jack shit going for me in this life.nnIt’s a grim scenario, and one I have been abundantly aware of for well over five years. Yea, whatever happens just sort of occurs when it happens, and I kinda/sorta hope that whatever it is that I DO happen to get done has a passing impact on someone (anyone), but reverse-engineering a purpose in existence is in fact a false negative, and “things don’t work that way”, and hindsight doesn’t do jack shit for me in the meantime.nnSo, whatever. I’ll figure out a way to “not die”, I guess.nnback soon

Subscribe to from the desk of TMO

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.
jamie@example.com
Subscribe