limits-in-coffee-and-life

Had my third cuppa coffee, was good, but I am all coffee’d out at this point, haha. But, I am definitely AWAKE and ready to get going on my day. I head out of here at 11:00 to grocery shop, and get a few other things done around the apartment. Nothing terribly exciting – just life stuff.nnIt’s 5:30 and the sun hasn’t risen, yet. And that may be the only downfall of Winter, the fact that the sun rises *late*. I like that it sets early, really (more darkness is better in the evenings, I think), but the fact that is *rises* late is always off-putting to me. But, that’s nature.nn**I seem so mature**nnLike, the tonality of my writing, and the mindset I have in day-to-day life – I feel like I have **matured** a great deal in the past five+ years. I mean, I guess late-30’s is a good deal of a distance from mid-20’s (when I was almost an entirely different person), but I reached maturity levels in life which I never thought I would “get to”.nnAgain, it is the “new book” condition I talked about on this blog before: that of, I lived like I was going to die by the time I was 21 up through the first part of my life, and then when age 21 hit, I felt like I had “no future” and only a tumultuous past to look back upon, so it seemed (at the time) like there was nowhere else to go, nothing left to do – finito. But then, I decided to not start a “new chapter” of The Book of Life(TM), but that I had to, indeed, write an *entirely* NEW BOOK! Daunting is the only word I would use to describe it. It’s another reason why I spend nearly no time being nostalgic for any point in life pre-25 years old, and why I do not correspond with anyone from “the old neighborhood”, and why I don’t go to high school reunions, and *yet another* reason I do not bother with Facebook – it’s all in the dead past. Failed scenarios, failed relationships, failed communication, all left me high and dry well before I had been on Earth even a quarter of a century. Did *they* (everyone) fail ME? Or did I just have a penchant for ambiguity to the point where I didn’t *want* THEM? Or perhaps I was just strung/burnt out on life to the point where I, indeed, HAD no future, and I only continued on out of sheer aspiration to determine *just what* old(er) age was like?nnI’ve long since determined that it was the third option – aspiration for life, itself. THAT kept me going. And it *still* keeps me going on some days, I feel. nnAnd with that comes a tad bit of maturity. Which I don’t take for granted, I suppose. BEING a person I didn’t think I’d ever become (not “amount to”, because that implies a “value” to life – and all life is invaluable). So, maturity happens (or, happenED), and that is OK by me, but it’s also good to *think* like a fool, or an idiot, sometimes. Because life *is* short when it is all put together.nnback later

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