It's 8:24 PM, and the sun has set, and I get more energy at night for some reason (at least during the Spring/Summer/Fall months - during Winter, it is like being sentenced to 12+ hours straight in a frozen Hell). So here I am, energized and have coffee in-hand (or, sitting beside me, anyway).

I cannot even really correspond or articulate how I have felt over the past 10 hours - a messy whirlwind of an emotional cyclone. And nearly every emotion encountered, wound up at a dead end road of despair and desolation. I tried, seven blog posts today, and only managed to eek out maybe two that I was interested in publishing. Some things just can't really be put into words (verbal or written).

Of course, I took my medication(s) this morning, so I don't think it is an issue there - just kind of an environmental disgruntlement in/with life. And this entry here is probably the closest I have come to putting any of this stuff into words. And as for the specific and involved environmental factors that are making me/life this way, I can just say that it is not so much what they ARE, but what my life (and my environment) is LACKING that puts me in this disposition.

And people know the story, and are aware of statistical info - someone (anyone) gets into a part of life that isn't all that amusing/fulfilling/rewarding, etc., and then they more or less become aware or take notice of life's shortcomings, and when someone kind of "finds themself" in that position in life, they tend to go (a little) crazy.

So, let me articulate how I am, and where I stand, right now (in a brief few words):

  • I feel overall relatively optimistic in life (as far as "the grand scheme of things")
  • I feel I am sort of in a transition period at this point in time
  • I stay "forward-thinking" and "proactive" in life and it's activities (what little there is to partake in)
  • Oftentimes, I am consumed with misanthropic views of the world (and humanity - hence, misanthropy (the distaste for humans))
  • I try to keep my mood level/stable, and don't have a whole lot of mood swings (thank you, medications)

...and this is kind of how I see things at this point in time. I, personally, cannot makes heads or tails of any of this - other than it is just "how it is", and even if I wanted/needed any type of help in this regard (hell, I already take two meds for psychiatric purposes and go to therapy every two weeks - I've done most of what I can in that regard), it would put me right back where I am right now (in life): in some apartment, pissing away life and time, writing stuff every so often, doing and be(com)ing nothing, and just sort of whittling away the days until there are none left.

So, this is certainly a negative sounding post (I couldn't imagine it being read as anything other than that), and I DO try to keep posts on here (and on tmo) relatively "friendly", and "nice", and "approachable", because I certainly am that way, but I also recognize that this blog (as well as "tmo") are online journals, and that honesty and being forthcoming takes the highest priority over all.

Anyhow, just putting thoughts to editor, and seeing how I feel about the whole thing. Cathartic? Somewhat. Better than nothing, I suppose.

back soon