Me, my bisexuality. Let's talk about it.

I was brewing coffee just now (which is being consumed currently), and I thought to myself: "I should write about being bi". And then, like many topics/subjects I thought about writing about, I thought: "ok, but...why?". Mostly because, I do not know how to "explain myself" (not that I ever have to explain myself) in regards to that or any other issue. So, it is very personal to me, and I have always (well, mostly always - since my early-20's) been ok with the fact that I am bisexual.

But I thought of a memory from my early-20's that I thought I would share in shorthand story form, so I will share it.

I didn't completely, or knowledgeably (actual word?) admit to myself that I was bisexual until I was 22 (nearly 23). I was sitting at the computer a month or so before my 23rd birthday, and I had started writing about celebrities, gossip, tabloids, pop culture, etc., full-time. I was starting to become a "professional gossip blogger". I had no credibility in the subject, yet, but was interested/driven to "be someone" in that Internet space. And that day, like most days, I was catching up on the daily news of "gossip", when I saw a headline that a male celebrity (I do not remember who) had come out as gay. A lot of headlines. A big celebrity. Quite the water cooler ice breaker in the gossip blog space. But, I didn't feel the need to write about that particular story at that particular time (it's too bad I didn't, otherwise I might remember who it was), but, I went and lay down on the bed in the room I was renting at my sister's house at that time, and I decided to think, in an honest way: "am I attracted to men?"

So, I thought of that sentence, that query, and I let the words bounce around in my head a bit. I had just started taking a psychiatric medicine that was treating psychosis, because I had been suffering miserably for several years at that time, brought on by my continued LSD use in the several years before "the suffering" of psychosis had begun. And this medication (Zyprexa) was helping me (mentally) a lot. I started to feel calmer, for comfortable, more sane, and just more "easy with myself" and honest with myself.

And so I thought of my genuine, honest, legit attractions in life come to "the surface" of my mind, and I was upfront with myself about WHO I was attracted to, and it came to something like this:

Am I attracted to women? YES or NO - YES

Am I attracted to men? YES or NO - YES

And I immediately accepted that, but then I had to actually Say it. I had to, like, think it aloud, to myself, in my head, and make it "official". And I "thought out loud" (to myself, non-verbally): "I am attracted to men". And I felt a mixture of cathartic, releived, and sort of like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - but, what I was really feeling/experiencing with that revelation, was a kind of mental/psychological "permeation" in parts of my psyche, my mind, and my life, because I had been sequestering and compartmentalizing that/this element of my character and personality since...forever! Since I was around 12 years old, and I was "becoming attracted" to women, there were always times/moments when I felt an attraction to men. But before I could think of, or explore that element of same-sex attraction, or even entertain the idea of it, I would immediately "dismiss" or/and "talk myself out of" having (GENUINELY) felt that way. A raw, natural attraction.

So, I realized at that moment (at 22 (almost 23), in late-2006) that I was, in fact, bisexual.

So, I suppose that was the moment I mentally "gave permission" to many (or nearly all) parts of my brain to acknowledge this element of my character, that had been quarantined off to a "segment" of my mind for so long. Talk about self reflection!

So, anyway, that's a small story about how it all "started" (or at least where the story of better things began). A good moment in my life. And many have been had since, and more to come.

Thanks for reading