apprehensively-recollecting-an-old-mindset-regarding-nightmares

I’ve “dealt” with a lot of psychological issues in life. Things have come, things go, some of them terribly bad, some have debilitated my life (short term), namely with alcohol in the early-20’s, and perhaps/possibly LSD use in my late-teens. I’ve gotten over most of those issues (thankfully). I “do ok”. I take a psych med. I attend therapy. I keep myself grounded, under control.nnBut, I was sitting here and thinking of something that I hadn’t thought of in roughly a decade, yet, was totally discouraging and depressing at the time of it’s “occurrence” – and that is the recurring nightmares I had in regards to getting/achieving/earning a high school diploma.nnNow, I *did* earn a high school diploma (an expedited HSD) from St Louis Job Corps in 2003 from Normandy Technical High School (a legit HSD, just earned via doing all coursework on a computer, and in a short period of time, instead of a “traditional” HSD earned over four years at high school).nnBut, *before* I attended STL Job Corps, and had the opportunity to get a HSD, I was totally distraught and stressed that I would not earn an HSD. I had dropped out of high school. I studied for a GED so I could enroll in the U.S. Army. And I continued (as I do now) to **love** learning, and self-education. But, for whatever reason, that HSD, that piece of paper, that “official record of accomplishment” meant SO MUCH more to me than…anything.nnSo, nightmares began. Not even any fungible/tangible scenarios IN the nightmares, just an overwhelming longing and “missing out” feeling of having not earned a HSD, like all of my friends had done. Like I *should* have done. All these nightmares started around the time I left Northwest High School, because this timid worry that I had in the back of my mind of “if I keep messing up I won’t graduate – I need to get my act together, or I won’t stand at graduation”, etc. became VERY real upon leaving NWHS. And the continued self-disappointment and stress of it consumed my thoughts as I slept. nnThen, after STL Job Corps, and having received my HSD (which was a brilliant, tear-jerking day, indeed – one of my proudest moments up to that point), I thought “OK, mission accomplished – I can move on and not stress about this element of life any longer”. But no, the nightmares, the stress, the waking with an overwhelming sensation of self-disappointment and “missing out” was still *there*! Even throughout the dreams (nightmares) where I was experiencing thoughts (of worry/stress) that I wouldn’t get a thing I WANTED and DESERVED, I would reassure myself of reality, that I HAD gotten my HSD, and that whatever I wanted from, or out of, having done that would just sort of “be” (and what I eventually wanted “from” a HSD was to just not feel the stress of not having one!).nnAnd on and on it continued. From *before* 2003 (pre-HSD) until 2010 or so, I felt a terrible missing out/longing for something I desperately wanted/needed, and even having achieved that thing, the elements of not having it permeated my brain. nnA trauma, of sorts. At the time, anyway. It has been 10+ years now that I could even give a fxxx that I have a HSD. But not having one, and having not had one (when I should have had one) created a lasting effect over time.nnJust thought I’d share

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