3:15 AM, I had a bowl of Bengal Slices pipe tobacco along with coffee (still finishing the coffee), and figured I would get in some writing. It is Sunday and it is getting up to 60 degrees today, and sunny, so it should be a nice one :) I will make my way to BP around 8:00 AM, buy a couple things, start my day up properly.

I will also do laundry soon, likely before BP (6:00 AM), and just get that out of the way. It is Sunday, so the laundromat will be packed with people after 8:00 AM, so...

Mmm, that coffee was quite tasty. Definitely feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by coupling it with the Bengal Slices pipe tobacco, which is a Latakia-based blend, and therefore fairly high in nicotine.

Also, I had my eyes set on getting a tattoo on March 1, but since I am getting a tooth extracted shortly beforehand I will not be able to, because on the questionaire they (tattoo shops) have you fill out before the appointment (or, session), they ask if you had any medical/dental work done recently, and if I answered "yes" to a tooth extraction less than a week before the appointment time, then they would likely deny me a session. But also (and more importantly) I am not too keen on dealing with both tooth (mouth) pain and tattoo (arm) pain simultaneously, so I will just take a pass on that this upcoming month.

However, there are other things I can be doing with my money (though a tattoo would be ideal), such as getting a somewhat acceptable backpack for hikes, short term travel (the GoRuck Rucker 3.0 is damn nice, but also probably a bit more than what I need - a CamelBak Lobo is probably more my speed). And also a military cadet hat (not vintage or surplus, just one in the cadet style), of which I found one on Etsy that is decent. I've had cadet hats in olive green (worked out well for a few years), charcoal gray (worked out well, too - until I over-decorated it and made it look ridiculous), and now I will go with dark brown. And I will not be decorating this one, aside from some black pyramid spikes that I intend to put along the ridge near the brim (similar to the last two cadet hats I've owned). I've considered Scally Caps (or "cab driver" hats), and a number of other different styles of headwear, but I always resort back to the cadet-style cap, because it just "works" for me.

And...that is probably it in terms of "stuff needed" or "stuff wanted" (I mean, it is nearly all "wants" at this point, because I mostly have stuff in life that I need). And other plans (financially) are mostly "life upkeep" type of stuff: haircut, tobacco, VPS, bills, bullshit.

fighting fire with fire

I feel from my late-teens/early-twenties, I had some sort of "self-impairment", or at least a type of mental scarring that from events that occurred (likely multiple times) in those years and prior. Like I approached life in this way, and with this attitude, and it was either a "conquer or falter" mindset to existence (blind ambition), and I for the most part felt as though I had "failed" in/with that ambition. But now, at age 38 (and perhaps as early as a year ago), I generally feel like ambition, the concept itself, is a thing I own and can use or dicard at my own discretion. As though in my late-teens and the years following, I was sort of pursuing things in life that were ambition-related, and also (simultaneously) drumming up my own will/desire/motivation to be ambitious - but now, I just feel as that I decide wants gets approached with a degree of ambitious pedigree. Because in the end, I am either doing a thing or I am simply not doing that thing. So, I should just do better things. And I, indeed, can do essentially whatever I want - I didn't overwhelm myself with children and marriage and mortage and millwork, so whatever I decide to "get myself into" I can just go towards without a lot of apprehension. So what I am saying is, life has a way of sort of giving one a "second shot", or a "do-over" and if someone is privvy enough to be aware of this opportunity, and remembers how things turned out in the past (from experience) they (me) can sort of approach things (in life) at a different angle, with less of a blind (ambitious) objective - just do sort of whatever the fuck I want.

So this is sort of my attitude towards things happening in my life right now. Ambivalence and ambiguity. Non-object-oriented, and just more fun in general.

Hope everyone stays well

back soon